10 Ways to be a Good Friend

I've been thinking about my Good Friends lately.  (Capitalized because they are a distinct category.  It's important.)

Once I read a good quote that said, "We don't have to change friends, if we understand that friends change."

This has applied very much in my own life.  Only I haven't realized it until just recently.

People's needs change.  You start out thinking that "friends" are anyone in the same playroom with you.  Little kids are so good at that: just playing with anyone who is there (ok, who also has good toys).  Then you start school.

You need a certain level of friendship in Elementary School, then the level changes some in Middle School.  That level evolves and turns a little more each year.  By the time you are in High School, you may need something different from your friends.  People might be ready to give the "next" level of friendship, or they might not.  If your needs are not being met, you may change friends to fill some different needs.

Then you go to college and you don't see the same friends.  You meet people from different backgrounds and realize that the world is bigger than you thought.  But that's for another post.

I've been thinking about the people I consider friends.  I've been contemplating exactly why I am comfortable around them, and the characteristics that make me feel "safe" when I am with them.  Here is a partial list of those characteristics I would like to emulate.

How to Be a Good Friend: (not in any particular order)

1)  Listen.  Focus on the other person when they are with you.

2)  Smile.  Ok, I don't mean Big-Smile-All-The-Time.  And I know some people rarely smile "big."  Just an acknowledgement that the other person knows you are happy they are around.

3)  Show concern for the other person's problem.  Don't try to solve the problem-- it's better if you just let them talk. (see #1)

4)  Remember a birthday.  Facebook makes this extremely easy now.  The "old-fashioned" ways are still okay, too: send a card, leave a phone message, drop off a balloon or a plate of carrot sticks (PC now, of course...heaven forbid we eat sugar)!  Ha, I'm kidding.  Your friend probably has a favorite sweet or treat you could leave on the doorstep.

5)  Keep confidences.  Even if it wasn't prefaced with the specific words, "Don't tell anyone, okay?"  Most personal conversations are just that: conversations for 2 people.

6)  Give your friend the benefit of the doubt.  That means you ASSUME the BEST in them.  If there is a misunderstanding or terse words, let it go.  We all have frustrating moments where we wish we had said or done something differently.  "People do the best they can with what they have at that moment."

7)  Acknowledge the important events.  (Example: see #4)  If something grand is happening in their life, at least let them know you are thinking about them.  Weddings, baptisms, blessings, births, deaths--all these things affect and change lives profoundly.  Maybe you aren't in the forefront since you are not their immediate family.  But showing your support in a small way can help buoy your friend up.

8)  Find ways to make their burdens lighter.  Ok, this may sound a little deep, but sometimes friends are allowed to be deep.  With an important event, there might be some details you can help with, or at least be a sounding board for their ideas.  If your friend is "stressed out," just knowing you're willing to help can be a big help.

9)  Build trust.  This takes time.  You want them to be comfortable around you.  Be patient as they talk, so they don't feel rushed or like they have to explain why they are feeling the way they do.  Be positive and tolerant, even if you don't agree with their opinion.

10)  Don't expect anything from your friend.  Truly.  Not a thing.  Repeat this mantra: "People do the best they can with what they have at that moment."  Whether their "best" is "good enough" is not for us to judge.

That's probably a subject for another post, too.